So, I guess I was one or two when they got divorced, and there was a lot of drugs and alcohol involved in that early scene. My father eventually died of alcoholism in my arms years later. You know, at that time it was just too much for my mother to be around, so that was sort of my very first taste of that type of environment.

My name is Holt Haynesworth. I’m a new father. I have a brand-new daughter who’s two months old now, Chloe, with my wife Megan Haynesworth. Learning to make good decisions about things and intelligent decisions, whether or not you’re on the spectrum of smart or not so smart, you have to practice making decisions. And, you have to be encouraged when you do something right, say “Hey you made the right choice.” My stepfather was very controlling versus John, my father; John would allow me to figure this stuff out on my own. Where my stepfather, even when he was helping would want to think for me, and then force the answer on me for me to accept it. He was very smart, and it was very much the right answer, but the difference was I was not challenged to think, and make these decisions, and practice making decisions in that kind of environment.

You don’t want your kids… I don’t think anybody would want their kids to be hurt, and it’s hard to sit back on the sideline and actually watch someone make the wrong decision. I don’t think you should stand on the sideline and watch your kids mess up constantly, but to actually allow them to make a decision, allow them to make a mistake, and then come in and talk to them about it. Say “Hey, what do you think happened? Why do you think it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to? What would you do better next time?” Challenge them to think about these things, and not be afraid of making mistakes, because usually you get afraid of someone criticizing you. Make them so they’re fearless about attacking life, and be OK with making mistakes, and welcome them to try to learn from those things so the mistakes become less and less and less.

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Nothing much of what I’m going to say is original to me and so it’s a case study. I copy and steal everything. It’s proved helpful as most of us journey along and learn from our churches or our schools, or our mentors or friends. A lot of what I’m going to say is borrowed from, in particular, one ministry that really reached out and grabbed a hold of me just a couple years ago.

JH Ranch

What was very eye opening to me was what is called this ‘Journey of Transition’. This broke down the stages of parenting for me, from being a “caretaker”, age zero to five, to being a “cop” from age five to age twelve, “coach” from twelve to eighteen, and then a “counselor” from eighteen on. Those stages are guidelines and what you’re trying to accomplish at each stage is reflected in the title. For me, the end goal is to be a counselor to my children and to have this relationship where, even in adulthood, we have this symbiotic relationship, where we’re really counselors to each other and they continue to come to me. I can’t get there by going from “cop” to “counselor”. I needed to transition out of the “cop” role and into the “coach” role and I only had about a year to do it because my daughter was entering her last year of high school. So, I was riding her pretty hard about things she wasn’t doing right like, not getting up on time or missing something because she couldn’t get ready in enough time. She wasn’t being as administrated as I needed her to be. I realized that when she’s gone at eighteen she’s not going to be picking up the phone to call me to say “can you tell me this or what do you think I should do here?”. And nobody responds if I’ve been a cop then, why am I going to be any different at twenty-one when she’s calling me. Making this transition from being the “cop” to being the “coach” to being the “encourager”, is where I’m loving them where they are and going on this journey together. I’m staying side by side with you not in front of you.

Be The Dad Movement contributor
Tom Neuhoff

Roy was very athletic and as a father, he wanted his boys to follow in his footsteps. ‘You’re either going into the military or going to play sports in college’. He thought his middle son was kind of weak. He thought he needed to be pushed into football and was frustrated at his lack of interest.

One day, Roy’s wife told him to read Proverbs 22. He learned that he was supposed to train up his child in the Lord and the way that he should go, not in the way that Roy wanted him to go. Once he grasped that, he started paying attention to his son and his interests. His son turned out to be an artist and into MMA (Mixed Martial Arts). Roy learned to listen, love, and learn.