Nothing much of what I’m going to say is original to me and so it’s a case study. I copy and steal everything. It’s proved helpful as most of us journey along and learn from our churches or our schools, or our mentors or friends. A lot of what I’m going to say is borrowed from, in particular, one ministry that really reached out and grabbed a hold of me just a couple years ago.

JH Ranch

What was very eye opening to me was what is called this ‘Journey of Transition’. This broke down the stages of parenting for me, from being a “caretaker”, age zero to five, to being a “cop” from age five to age twelve, “coach” from twelve to eighteen, and then a “counselor” from eighteen on. Those stages are guidelines and what you’re trying to accomplish at each stage is reflected in the title. For me, the end goal is to be a counselor to my children and to have this relationship where, even in adulthood, we have this symbiotic relationship, where we’re really counselors to each other and they continue to come to me. I can’t get there by going from “cop” to “counselor”. I needed to transition out of the “cop” role and into the “coach” role and I only had about a year to do it because my daughter was entering her last year of high school. So, I was riding her pretty hard about things she wasn’t doing right like, not getting up on time or missing something because she couldn’t get ready in enough time. She wasn’t being as administrated as I needed her to be. I realized that when she’s gone at eighteen she’s not going to be picking up the phone to call me to say “can you tell me this or what do you think I should do here?”. And nobody responds if I’ve been a cop then, why am I going to be any different at twenty-one when she’s calling me. Making this transition from being the “cop” to being the “coach” to being the “encourager”, is where I’m loving them where they are and going on this journey together. I’m staying side by side with you not in front of you.

Be The Dad Movement contributor
Tom Neuhoff

Us dads are learning how to walk out this thing called fatherhood.

(Which is why 9 out of 10 young dads recommend subscribing to our email list if you haven’t already.)

But this month we are going to be addressing one aspect of talk that isn’t cheap.

What you say to your kids matters a whole heck of a lot – and some words can be very expensive.

A few times I remember being told by my stepdad that I was “the stupidest kid he’s ever seen”. As a retired chief in the Navy, he definitely had a way with words. A way that I’ve tried hard not to replicate. Having him talk to me like that cost a lot. Eventually, I got to the point where I was very insecure about whether I was messing up and this made even the most mundane tasks surprisingly unpleasant if he was around.

But you know what’s surprising? I think there are some words that were more valuable than even the harshest criticism and negativity. But these are words I never heard, though like you, I wish I had. Or maybe some of you did.

“Son, I love you.”

[pause and reflect]

Yes – what we say to our kids matters. It matters more than we realize. And that’s what we are focusing on this month. Talk isn’t always cheap!