So, I guess I was one or two when they got divorced, and there was a lot of drugs and alcohol involved in that early scene. My father eventually died of alcoholism in my arms years later. You know, at that time it was just too much for my mother to be around, so that was sort of my very first taste of that type of environment.

My name is Holt Haynesworth. I’m a new father. I have a brand-new daughter who’s two months old now, Chloe, with my wife Megan Haynesworth. Learning to make good decisions about things and intelligent decisions, whether or not you’re on the spectrum of smart or not so smart, you have to practice making decisions. And, you have to be encouraged when you do something right, say “Hey you made the right choice.” My stepfather was very controlling versus John, my father; John would allow me to figure this stuff out on my own. Where my stepfather, even when he was helping would want to think for me, and then force the answer on me for me to accept it. He was very smart, and it was very much the right answer, but the difference was I was not challenged to think, and make these decisions, and practice making decisions in that kind of environment.

You don’t want your kids… I don’t think anybody would want their kids to be hurt, and it’s hard to sit back on the sideline and actually watch someone make the wrong decision. I don’t think you should stand on the sideline and watch your kids mess up constantly, but to actually allow them to make a decision, allow them to make a mistake, and then come in and talk to them about it. Say “Hey, what do you think happened? Why do you think it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to? What would you do better next time?” Challenge them to think about these things, and not be afraid of making mistakes, because usually you get afraid of someone criticizing you. Make them so they’re fearless about attacking life, and be OK with making mistakes, and welcome them to try to learn from those things so the mistakes become less and less and less.

Share your father story with Be The Dad Movement here.

I think what she saw and what I was used to seeing growing up were very different. I think she saw some things in me that were scary. She actually broke up with me and that really set me back. I kind of went off and went into a pretty dark rebellious stage.

I’m Chris Harden and this is my wife Alexa. We’ve got three children. We have been married for 13 years and we have three children.

I grew up Catholic. I made a lot of bad decisions growing up. I experienced a lot of abuse growing up, both emotionally, physically, mentally, and other. When I went to college, I was pursuing money and trying to be popular and trying to be liked by others around me. I was into things I shouldn’t have been in: drugs, alcohol, promoting bands and clubs, just that party scene.

One night, I was walking out of a club I was promoting. I had a bunch of money in my pocket and I was drunk. There was a fight in the parking lot. I walk out and the last thing I remember was talking to some guy at his car and I woke up the next day in the hospital. The doctor said I was lucky to be alive.

Alexa: He was in the ICU for a while.

I was in the ICU for about a week and the doctor said I had a fractured skull and a fractured jaw and a broken ear drum from – he thought I got hit with a tire iron in the back of my head. That’s really where –

Alexa: rock bottom –

God said “What are you doing? I’ve given you blessings that you’re not… So anyway, that prompted me to get out of Lubbock and interestingly enough, it brought Alexa and I together quickly after that.

Alexa: I had heard about this happening to him. I was in Dallas at the time and I heard about that happening. I had actually heard that he had died. For me, that was horrible because we were broken up, but I loved him and I had hoped that we would come back together. I think that God definitely had his hand in that because all the pieces worked their way back to us getting back together.

When we did get back together, that was really the turning point in my faith. That was when I started to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He was pursuing me and I was pursuing him.

When Sophia was born, we didn’t know what we were doing. When we decided to move from Fort Worth back to Dallas, I was looking to get plugged into a ministry in the real estate industry and I came across Abiding Fathers. Based on the way I grew up, it was intriguing because it’s like “Wow, what is this? There is a ministry dedicated to training and equipping fathers on how to be a dad? As a Christian? I’m in on that.” So I signed up for the class that Bill Dotson was teaching at the church and went to this class and just ate up the material. It was amazing because I was getting practical, real-world knowledge and application of how to take biblical principles and apply them to fatherhood.

Alexa and I have talked about this: We are going to raise our kids differently than we grew up. The things of your past don’t have to be carried on into your future. You can change the way you grew up for your kids. I didn’t have a father who mentored me, who prayed for me, who listened to me growing up – not a mentor type. Through the Abiding Fathers, I’ve learned to mentor, I’ve learned to disciple my kids, I’ve learned to pray for my kids, I’ve learned to teach my kids, and listen to them.

Author & Motivational Speaker Jeremy Anderson visited Columbus, GA and spoke at a local middle school, high school, and Columbus State University. During his time at the middle and high schools he noticed that the vast majority of the students live in homes where their fathers aren’t present. This is a problem, and Jeremy’s on a mission to fix it. This video below will show what took place during the Columbus School Tour. To book Jeremy for your school or University visit www.jeremyanderson.org or email his assistant Ebony at Ebony@JeremyAnderson.org.

If you need help taking the next steps in becoming a man, a son, a dad of consequence and purpose, feel free to contact us at: bill@abidingfathers.org.

Nothing much of what I’m going to say is original to me and so it’s a case study. I copy and steal everything. It’s proved helpful as most of us journey along and learn from our churches or our schools, or our mentors or friends. A lot of what I’m going to say is borrowed from, in particular, one ministry that really reached out and grabbed a hold of me just a couple years ago.

JH Ranch

What was very eye opening to me was what is called this ‘Journey of Transition’. This broke down the stages of parenting for me, from being a “caretaker”, age zero to five, to being a “cop” from age five to age twelve, “coach” from twelve to eighteen, and then a “counselor” from eighteen on. Those stages are guidelines and what you’re trying to accomplish at each stage is reflected in the title. For me, the end goal is to be a counselor to my children and to have this relationship where, even in adulthood, we have this symbiotic relationship, where we’re really counselors to each other and they continue to come to me. I can’t get there by going from “cop” to “counselor”. I needed to transition out of the “cop” role and into the “coach” role and I only had about a year to do it because my daughter was entering her last year of high school. So, I was riding her pretty hard about things she wasn’t doing right like, not getting up on time or missing something because she couldn’t get ready in enough time. She wasn’t being as administrated as I needed her to be. I realized that when she’s gone at eighteen she’s not going to be picking up the phone to call me to say “can you tell me this or what do you think I should do here?”. And nobody responds if I’ve been a cop then, why am I going to be any different at twenty-one when she’s calling me. Making this transition from being the “cop” to being the “coach” to being the “encourager”, is where I’m loving them where they are and going on this journey together. I’m staying side by side with you not in front of you.

Be The Dad Movement contributor
Tom Neuhoff

Here’s a summary of some of the thoughts from a recent Fathers Forum event in Dallas where Punky Tolson spoke to Abiding Fathers’ followers.

The fact that I have so many memories of my dad that are so clear and so vivid and to this day can still invoke so much emotion is nothing short of a miracle. They were huge memories that he impressed on my life and are indelible to this day. Some right, some wrong, some good, some not so good, but I’ve learned from every single one of the things that my dad showed me, even the things that were not so good.

They are indelibly marked on my mind and my heart and my life. They have marked my life in such a way that they have shaped and molded me into the person I am today. Spending time with my daddy, making these memories, is what made me who I am today. Think about your family of origin and even close friends and how you have been marked by them. Sometimes a memory becoming a good or bad memory is simply on what perspective you take; how you filter it. I was diagnosed with cancer 8 years ago. I remember thinking, ‘Wow, this is bad news’. News is really only bad or good, depending on how you filter it. And if God is good and only gives good gifts, then our way of looking at things needs to change.

My greatest memories of dad are from the simple everyday things. Whatever my dad did, I wanted to be a part of it. I thought everything he did was fascinating. I wanted to help him. Don’t kids always want to help? Daddy was always willing to let us help. He was so patient. ‘Daddy, can I help you mow the lawn?’ ‘Daddy, can I help you go to the store?’

What I was really asking was what every kid asks for. ‘Daddy, can I please just spend time with you?’ And, ‘Daddy, can you please show me how you do what you do?’.

Daddy never sat me down and read me the Bible; I have no memory of that. I have no memory of my daddy ever praying with me. He never told me that God was good all the time. I have very few memories of ever going to church. But he taught me and showed me more about the love of Jesus than anyone except my husband John.

Bookmark the Be The Dad Movement blog to hear more from Punky and other Be The Dad contributors.

About Punky Tolson:

Punky is a Bible teacher, writer, blogger, speaker and “disciple-maker”. She speaks locally and nationally at women’s conferences and events sharing her story of finding freedom and true satisfaction in Christ, marrying later in life, being a breast cancer survivor, living the life you were destined for, and more.

She is Co-founder of The Gathering of Women, an outreach and evangelistic Bible study in Dallas, Texas, and is a contributing writer for God Crazy Freedom, and writer her own blog, Making the Most of Now. Punky and her husband, Dr. John Tolson, are partners in a gospel-centered discipleship ministry known as The Tolson Group, located in Dallas, Texas.

Roy Watson hated his dad and planned to kill him. Hear Roy share how his life was changed and yet he discovered ways he was just like the father he vowed not to become.

As you reflect on Roy’s story, what do you think? We’d like to hear your thoughts. Leave a comment below and share with a friend.

In case you missed last month’s series, “Talk Isn’t Always Cheap“, check it out here.

Us dads are learning how to walk out this thing called fatherhood.

(Which is why 9 out of 10 young dads recommend subscribing to our email list if you haven’t already.)

But this month we are going to be addressing one aspect of talk that isn’t cheap.

What you say to your kids matters a whole heck of a lot – and some words can be very expensive.

A few times I remember being told by my stepdad that I was “the stupidest kid he’s ever seen”. As a retired chief in the Navy, he definitely had a way with words. A way that I’ve tried hard not to replicate. Having him talk to me like that cost a lot. Eventually, I got to the point where I was very insecure about whether I was messing up and this made even the most mundane tasks surprisingly unpleasant if he was around.

But you know what’s surprising? I think there are some words that were more valuable than even the harshest criticism and negativity. But these are words I never heard, though like you, I wish I had. Or maybe some of you did.

“Son, I love you.”

[pause and reflect]

Yes – what we say to our kids matters. It matters more than we realize. And that’s what we are focusing on this month. Talk isn’t always cheap!